Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Ups and Downs, Smiles and Frowns

Seven week old Seb after his op
Five weeks after Seb was born, I found a lump on his groin. It was very big and had appeared from nowhere! In a panic, my Mom and I went to A&E where we were seen straight away. He is diagnosed with an inguinal hernia which will need operating! *Cue tears and panic*

I was so stressed and worried, I lost half a stone in about three weeks.

I couldn't eat or sleep properly and was burnt out.

Fortunately, I had my Mom and her friends who rallied round and really helped.

More A&E & a drastic drop in weight later, he is finally admitted to hospital for his operation. It was 45 mins and took him a few weeks to recover fully. 

Thankfully, we noticed a change in Seb for the better. He was no longer in pain and started to gain weight and strength. :-)

This, however, was the time when the cracks appeared in my relationship.

As my boyfriend was in his final year of uni, he was putting his studies first. To make things worse, he lived in another city and didn't come every weekend as we had planned. I didn't argue or make him feel bad about not being there for me, because I empathised with his situation too. Deep down I just hoped everything would come together in the end.

Sadly, they didn't. In the Spring, a few situations took place when I knew that we couldn't work anymore. I knew that I had to put my son's happiness even before my own.

In the Summer, he left for his home country abroad. That was ok as the original plan was for Seb and I to join him. Again, a few situations took place that showed me staying in the UK was best.

It struck me yesterday, that it's been nine months since I last saw him and two months since I last spoke to him. Time has flown by.

It was weird because for all those years, i'd been 'happy' with my boyfriend. I was in love...with the idea of being in love. This situation is not all his fault, I admit.

The good news is, I'm a good Mother and come from a line of good Mothers who have passed down the art of self sacrificial love.

My focus is raising Sebastian to become a wholesome, responsible, moral, socially aware, well educated and loving man.
Ultimately, I'd love to find the right man who wants to marry me and who loves Seb as his son. I'd love to have more children at some point, but likely not until my thirties.

Anyhoo, as I said to one of my best friends last night: I know i'm doing the right thing by Seb because I'm the first and last person he sees everyday. It's my name he calls as soon as he wakes up; no one else's.

As long as he's happy, I'm happy.

Love Mama x

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